LIFE. There are times when it almost seems too much to handle. Almost. The past few weeks have been like that. I've been going full-time to school and planning a wedding that will take place TOMORROW. (What am I doing on a blog, right? Don't I have last minute things I need to get done?) Well, if we don't take the time to stop and smell the roses, soon the thorns get so big that the roses are nearly impossible to get to... nearly. That is the beauty of LIFE. Making sure we keep ourselves in check enough to trim off the thorns regularly, so that we can always smell the sweet aroma of roses.
The Lord has been testing my patience in his timing and my willingness to submit myself to his will. In the mission, my companion and I worked with the Lord to control our area. To make sure investigators got to church on time, to make sure the bishop's needs were met, to make sure everything was in order. After all, the Lord's house is a house of ORDER.
Coming home has been hard in that aspect. Now there are many other influences in life, making me lose hold of the majority of things.
Its been a tad stressful.
Okay, maybe a lot.
With so many factors playing, it gets chaotic. School, work, moving, homework, wedding, and religious obligations, it's hard to balance it all.. and when one little thing falls out of place, suddenly the whole table looks like it'll fall to pieces. That's where the Lord is testing me. In that moment when the table starts to tilt, and things start to move around, and i'm losing hold on the table and fearing that it will all fall off and to the ground and I wont have the power to pick it up. Sometimes even, it's tipped so far I've had to reach for those things that have fallen off the table before they crash to the ground.
But they have yet to fall to the ground.
That's why the Lord is so good. He pushes us just enough to make us not comfortable, and then he teaches us a lesson, and then things fall back into place. Wouldn't it all be easier if we could just stay in line with the will of the Lord? Why is it that we as humans have such a hard time staying in line with His will?
Someone I admire very much had the same question. Nephi said,
"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?" (Book of Mormon; 2 Nephi 4:26-27)
His questions have struck me so much that I haven;t been able to move on to the next chapter. I've been stuck in the second half of this chapter for a week! In my pondering, I've realized that the word "enemy" as Nephi uses towards the end doesn't always mean a person who is an enemy. My personal enemy is time. I feel like it is always too fast or too slow or simply not enough.
Again the question: "Why am I angry because of mine enemy?"
It hits me every time I read it. Why? Why am I angry? Is not the time I've been given FROM THE LORD good enough?
Later in the same chapter, Nephi reaffirms what I am constantly reminding myself of,
"O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm. Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh... yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen." (Book of Mormon; 2 Nephi 4: 34-35)
Oh how I wish I were as Nephi of old! With such unwavering faith in his God! Yet, Nephi admits here that he struggled at times keeping in line with the Lord's will.
My wish is that we all can be a little more like Nephi, in admitting that we have to do better, and that we can ONLY do it through the power of God. Through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Through love and patience and submissiveness.
Be still, not only my soul, but all souls. The Lord IS on your side.
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